How to stop being jealous.

What is jealousy? Dictionary.com provides the following definition: 1) jealousy is a feeling of resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself. 2) mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. 3) vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

Based on above definitions, do you think jealousy is hurting or helping you?

Here is my raw and unfiltered truth: I used to be a jealous person. I didn’t understand where it was coming from and if ever confronted I would wholeheartedly deny it. I didn’t see just how much pain my jealousy was causing not only me but my relationships as well. Too often I jumped into conclusions, made up false narratives in my mind and accused my boyfriends of ridiculous wrongdoings. This went on for years.

My true liberation began after I set out on a soul-searching journey. This entailed taking a close and honest look at my upbringing while facing some painful and uncomfortable insecurities that lived deep within. Over time I discovered that my jealousy didn’t just appear out of thin air. My jealousy had two thick and deeply rooted causes. The first was the lack of my father’s involvement in my life and the second was a possessive and overbearing first romantic relationship. I won’t bore you with the dark and complicated corners of my psyche but I do want you to know that once I realized and accepted what was driving my jealousy, only then was I able to set myself free from the heavy and painful chains of this destructive habit.

Today I see jealousy as a debilitating master that thrives on controlling thoughts and behaviors. I see it as mental confinement that hurts every relationship it touches. Here is what I learned about jealousy on my path to recovery.

1. Jealousy stems from our deepest insecurities. Do you know yours?
2. Jealousy is not cute. There is a common misconception that jealousy is a display of love and affection. Do you agree? I think jealously displays one’s insecurities and mistrust.
3. Life is so much more beautiful when we liberate ourselves from the confinement of jealousy.
4. Jealousy affects multiple aspects of our life from lovers, to colleagues, to friends and strangers who appear to be doing better.
5. Jealousy is toxic to our inner self as well as our relationships.

My recovery from jealousy was a long and slow journey, shoot, in all honestly it still is an ongoing effort. It took years of self-reflection and soul-searching along with the support and patience of my beloved to reach a place where I finally feel in control of my thoughts and emotions. Today I can honestly say that when a woman flirts with my husband I find it cute that someone else sees him the way I do. I don’t take it as an act of disrespect or some sort of aggression. I also know that it feels nice to receive a compliment so why would I want to take that away from him. This journey empowered me to trust him unconditionally, not because he is perfect but because we have put a lot of work into our bond. Escaping the shackles of jealousy is hard work. But boy is it worth it. Here are my 5 steps that may help you overcome those jealous ways.

1. Be honest with yourself. If you are jealous of a particular person, ask yourself why? What specific qualities do you resent in them? As difficult as it may seem it is probably because you admire something about them but your insecurities won’t let you admit it.
2. Face your insecurities. Did you grow up without a father/mother? Did one of your parents get cheated on? Or perhaps you were cheated on yourself? Dig deep into these painful pocket of memories to discover what is driving your insecurities. The best part of this exercise is that simply discovering the cause of our insecurities is more than half the battle, the other half is catching ourselves in the act.
3. Practice self-worth. Recognize all the beautiful and wonderful things that make you, you. Once you elevate your self-esteem you can act and react from a place of confidence. Healthy confidence is the key to fostering trusting relationships. And hey, even if they’re not faithful, the fault is on them. It is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. Let’s face it, sometimes life is unfair but is it fair for us to walk around expecting the worst at all times? What fun is that?
4. Let love in. Thinking and acting from a place of love is the best way to heal wounds. Try to understand that each one of us comes with baggage. Be patient with your loved ones for they too may be dealing with deep scars of their past and debilitating insecurities of the present.
5. Be honest with your partner. Our vulnerability is what makes us beautiful. Tell your partner where you are in the process so that he or she can be more patient as you go through this life changing transition. They too will reap the benefits of a more confident and more trusting you.

I hope you found this article helpful, please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, comments, and experiences.

Sending you love, peace, and good vibrations
Alyana with love